A Tom Sawyer Childhood
March 29, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
A child craves magic, Smith maintains, and magic depends on having space where adults will not “butt in.” This includes literal space of the kind long gone from nearly every urban part of this country, like vacant lots and construction sites (not like playgrounds, which reek of adult intentionality), and also metaphorical space.
A kid needs enough downtime to be bored, yes—bored enough to stare at the sky and study the imperfections in his own eyeball. That’s what makes for a childhood worth remembering for the whole of one’s life.
A proper childhood, in other words, is a Tom Sawyer childhood.
Source: Leave Those Kids Alone
The Cynic and the Mystic
February 22, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
The cynic says: “I have seen all there is to see and I am not impressed. No more of this absurd nonsense, please.”
The mystic says: “I have seen many terrible and wonderful things. And I would like to see more.”
The cynic shuts down. Dulls the pain. Stops perceiving.
The mystic opens up. Trades common pains for highest joys. And perceives new things every day.
Emotional Regulation & Long Term Relationships
February 16, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
The beauty of science is that it can provide deep understanding of everyday phenomena.
Individuals who are thoughtful, kind, sensitive, outward focused, accommodating and forgiving have deeper, more lasting friendships -and lower divorce rates – than people who are moody, impulsive, rude, self-centered, inflexible, and vindictive… Moody, rude, and impulsive sound an awful lot like faulty executive control, and that is part of the problem. But the deficit is even larger. These people are not regulating their emotions.
- John Medina, author of Brain Rules
(So here’s a rule for guys that I’m pretty sure will increase your chances of a successful long term relationship: find a woman who has a handle on emotional regulation.)
A Primal View of Male-Female Relations
February 15, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
It interests me that there are a few independent, primitive cultures who share this view of male-female roles. I have no idea what to make of this. I’ve thought it over a million times. There is probably some wisdom to be had, assuming that the message wasn’t killed in translation.
[The Shuar of the Amazon] believe that men and women are equal, yet have different roles. Men kill animals for food, cut trees for firewood, and fight other men. Women raise children, grow crops, tend the household fires, and have the very important job of telling men when it is time to stop. The Shuar explain that men hunt animals and cut trees even when there is enough meat and wood, unless women rein them in. When members of the Shuar visited the United States they were shocked by the way nature had been destroyed and paved over with highways, cities and shopping malls. “What happened to the women?” they asked. “Why haven’t they stopped the men? Why do your women always want to buy more things?”
- The Secret History of The American Empire
When does love fail?
February 15, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
One day late for Valentine’s Day.
I think the most common way that love fails is when one of the people in the relationship stops thinking in terms of the partnership – “us” – but in terms of “me.” For some, this is how it always was from the start. Not about us. Not about what we could do together. But about how she could satisfy me. What I could get from him.
Sometimes the transition to thoughts of “me” over “us” is perfectly justified. Especially if the other person has already abandoned the relationship. This often happens subtly – as in when one partner let’s himself get overweight, or doesn’t want to do anything but play World of Warcraft.
But at the core, I would say that romantic love is most likely to fail when, after the infatuation fades, either one of the two individuals starts to think primarily in terms of “me against him” (e.g. why does he always drink beer after work, how can i avoid her nagging, etc) along with communication breakdown – and sadly I’d suggest that in today’s complex world of relationships, where so many people have been hurt and broken, that this is probably how many people enter a relationship from the beginning: not from a position of trust but a position of suspicion. Not from a position of cooperation and joint hope, but from a position of “what can he do for me today?” In other words, for many people in today’s world, love is never present… because trust isn’t present. And simple, genuine caring about the other person’s needs and interests isn’t present. It’s the end result of a cynical, jaded age.
Sadly, when I read about the most prevalent type of relationship dynamic in today’s world among the young, I read about “radars” and “punches” and “strategies” and other various war terminology. Isn’t that freakin’ sad? That relationships have become war zones? Or at least competitions between individuals. Everything is done in cold, calculating, secret silence. And so often at a distance (text/facebook). Innuendo over direct communication. This seems to be the norm. So many relationships are like a police state, with two dictators warring it out.
People who want love to last need to be in it together. They need to have shared goals. Shared passions. They need to want to make each other better. To build each other up. And they need to be able to communicate openly, freely and straight forwardly.
My Best Stuff
February 10, 2011 | Filed Under Micah, Small Talk | Leave a Comment
My thought is wild and all over the place, but there is something there… I swear… some underlying theme, if you pay close enough attention…
Here’s some of my best stuff. I’ve put the ones that I feel have best stood the test of time at the top. And I continue to think that the first post listed is a fundamental human truth, a foundation for happiness. We must *know how* to love before we can sustain *love*
No Greater Feeling for Homo Sapien
Looking to Nature for Guidance
Reason and Reasons
Beautiful and Broken: A Realistic Idealism
Perceiving God
Fallacies of Eastern Thought
The Absurdity of Being Special
*************
There’s always someone better…
So fragile, these beliefs of ours…
On Watching Sports
Not happy? Sometimes it’s worth making a radical change
Learning To Love Reality
When Grace Fails
10 Things I’ll Teach My Sons About Women
10 Things I’d Like To Teach My Son (Now that I’m a father, and hopefully wiser, I’d make this a lot more concrete… maybe next week)
“Sustained Caring” As A Foundation For Partner-Love
10 Health & Sex Tips For Men
Bonus: Read through the maxims of life I’ve been collecting.
Psychological Laws
February 7, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | 2 Comments
I’ve discovered, lately, that there are certain psychological laws which we may try to overcome, but where we do so at our own peril. Where peril ends up being psychological torment.
Humans are quite well-adapted at maintaining cognitive dissonance, so that’s not quite what I’m getting at.
Rather, it’s something like trying to hold a belief while not accepting the consequence of that belief, and being the sort of person who can’t ignore the consequence (it crawls and creeps under the skin of your conscience).
But even that isn’t quite it.
It’s more like this: it’s the teenage boy who, with fear and trembling, accepts the “let’s just be friends” (LJBF) offer from his childhood crush. And despite putting his entire being into the LJBF concept, simply can’t JBF. It’s an impossibility. He can’t acheive it. Despite giving his best shot.
I was kidnapped by God
February 7, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
“I was kidnapped by God. Sounds funny, but I’m absolutely serious. When I was in high school I thought I would go to Wall Street, make millions, and retire by thirty-five. Then I took a trip around the world in 1993. I was twenty-one. I visited developing countries for the fist time: Indonesia, Laos, Vietnam, Burma, Nepal, to name a few. I saw real poverty. It contextualized the sixteen years of Catholic school teachings I had received, including a B.S. from St. Joseph’s University. I now understood who Jesus was fighting for.”
- Jim
Sometimes I wish God would kidnap me and show me how to really do this thing.
Facing Limitations & Powerlessness
February 7, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
Over the last few years, I’ve encountered a handful of situations that have left me feeling helpless. No good solutions.
As a person who is used to solving complex problems with his mind, it has been tough to come face to face with unsolvable problems.
In this universe, it seems, sometimes you just have to let go. Even of people you love. Especially of people you love.
Turn around.
Go back.
Start fresh.
The Monogamy Question
January 31, 2011 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
Ever since posting on the question of whether humans are naturally monogamous, I’ve gotten a flurry of search queries coming into the site, all variations on the same question. Seems to be a hot topic that many people wonder about.
Based on the questions I see coming in via google searches, I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are wondering whether monogamy is easy and convenient. Or whether monogamy means not being attracted to other people… at all. And some people are just wondering whether it’s even possible.
There is no simple answer to the monogamy question.
Human beings certainly are capable of being monogamous. Is it the norm? Well, this depends, to a large degree, on social norms and cultural practices. In the modern West, I’d suggest that long-term monogamy is no longer the norm. It is still practiced by certain folks who are able to perceive the potential of long-term happiness through a thick fog of short-term seductions.
The best answer to the monogamy question is this: monogamy is possible for human beings to achieve. But it is not guaranteed. And it is not convenient or easy like taking a pill.
What most people are wondering when they ask the monogamy is whether they are capable of being monogamous. Most people, I think, find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in being attracted to multiple people (even at the same time, not necessarily in series). But the fact that you might be attracted to multiple people throughout your life does not mean that you are not and can not be monogamous.
Long-term monogamy is really a choice. And it’s one that is loaded with risk (as you have no way of guaranteeing that your partner will remain loyal). But it’s a risky choice that any human being is capable of making, and that many human beings are glad they made.
The happiest people I’ve ever known are the ones who made the choice to be monogamous, to share a history and to grow old together.
