Parenting requires massive sacrifice. Sacrifice of freedoms. Sacrifice of immediate pleasures. Sacrifice of peace. Sacrifice of rest and relaxation. But people still choose to do it? And when their lives are over, they tend to be glad they did. Why?

An in depth article called Why parents hate parenting explores this issue and delivers many insights. For example, it suggests that perhaps the deepest, most lasting happiness for human beings comes not from short term fun and thrill seeking, but from looking back on what’s been accomplished with one’s life.

Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer who is, famously, not a natural optimist, has always taken the view that happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it.

If you make it through parenting alive, having produced competent children can be a very satisfying achievement. It is the realization of something fundamentally human.

About twenty years ago, Tom Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell, made a striking contribution to the field of psychology, showing that people are far more apt to regret things they haven’t done than things they have….

I’m inclined to think this needs qualifications. Things done that cause permanent, physical damage would probably be regretted. As would things that caused harm to people you loved. But apparently people rarely regret having had kids, but more frequently regret not having kids…

[a] famous collection of high-IQ students from California … were singled out in 1921 for a life of greatness. Not one told him of regretting having children, but ten told him they regretted not having a family.

And the article ends with a really interesting philosophical question about moment to moment happiness versus retrospective happiness…

“I think this boils down to a philosophical question, rather than a psychological one,” says Gilovich. “Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?” He says he has no answer for this, but the example he offers suggests a bias. He recalls watching TV with his children at three in the morning when they were sick. “I wouldn’t have said it was too fun at the time,” he says. “But now I look back on it and say, ‘Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?’?” The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.

It’s a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times. Perhaps it’s just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going. But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment.

Alludes to a biological mechanism that helps us do what’s right even when it isn’t easy or immediately pleasurable.

So if you’re not comfortable with a reality that betrays our ideals, don’t read on.

The most important thing I’ve learned about women is that you’ve got to be indifferent to their attempts at harnessing you in an emotional net and controlling you. Sounds harsh, but you’re the man. You need to be in charge of yourself. You should not be controlled. You need to lead. You need to make decisions. Forget all the nonsense about equality. Women don’t want that, even if they say that they do (duplicity of intentions is not uncommon in relationships).

What’s important is to understand how women operate at a biological and emotional level. Ultimately, women are not looking for nice guys. They are looking for strong, confident, powerful men. Men who make them feel secure… comfortable. This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective as women needed men they could rely on to protect both them and their children.

So don’t fall victim to the stories about intentions… the narratives about what they need… the pleas for a nice man. It’s tough. But if you forget everything else, remember this one rule: don’t let a woman ever gain control over you at an emotional level. Don’t let her push you around with guilt or pleas for sympathy. Stand up to her when she’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with providing comfort or offering a compliment… in fact, you should master these skills … but don’t let her manipulate you into giving them. At that point she’s controlling you.

The story you’ll hear preached from the rafters of our society is that women are just looking for a few nice [read: controllable] men. Reject this narrative at all costs.

Instead, focus on being a man. Confident and capable. And don’t be afraid to embrace the higher virtues like humility (just don’t confuse it with cowardice) and strength (but reject the self-obsessed pride that destroys so many celebrities). Women don’t necessarily need these things, but remember, your goal should be to become a great man, not a poser who’s trying to pick up women.

You must become the man you want to become without regard to women… it is only then that you will find that the task of gaining and keeping the attraction of a woman is as simple as breathing. And by doing this you can beat the jerks and the thugs (the one’s who get all the girls) at their own game.

The man who spends his life catering to every whim and fancy and emotional confusion that the average women goes through is quite simply not going to be able to attract or hold onto that woman for very long. He will be used and abused and have his heart broken. There’s no reason to go through this.

So, with that introduction, here are the ten things that I hope my boys come to understand about relating to women.

1. Be confident

Women are attracted to confidence. The irony is that your confidence should not be for the sake of women. It should be natural. Make yourself the best man you can be. Let your confidence derive from who you are. Aim to be the best man you can be simply because that’s who you want to be.

Biologically (and thus subconsciously) women gravitate towards big, strong men or men with confident personalities (sometimes coming through in humor, but humor isn’t necessary). Both of these are ancient signals that the man will help her offspring survive (remember, women are motivated and act at a subconscious level, even if they don’t agree at a conscious level).

2. Smile at rejection

Historically, women have been the rejectors and male the pursuers. This is just how the world works. Like it or not, you’ve got to be thick skinned and realize that rejection is just part of the deal for men.

The good news is that unlike the past, there are billions of women out there. So just move on. Don’t let rejection rock your confidence. Learn, improve, and move on.

You can treat rejection the same way you treat the training for a sport. A necessary evil.

3. Maintain other interests

Never allow a woman to consume all of your thoughts or all of your time. Harder said then done. But there are a number of reasons that you should maintain other interests (hobbies, friends, etc.)

The most important reason is that by having a life outside of your relationship or your obsession, you won’t fall hard when the relationship ends. It helps you stay grounded. It helps you move on when the time comes.

Remember: you never want to be consumed by a woman, because then she’s in control. And she really doesn’t want that. Trust me.

4. Enjoy the company of guys

Make sure to have a core group of guy friends that you spend time with on a regular basis. Have fun. Be active. Be a guy. Tell dirty jokes.

And never abandon your guy friends for a woman. If the woman tries to dominate your time, it’s time to move on. It may be hard, but the minute the woman starts trying to control you like she’s your mother, the relationship is stale and it’s time to get the hell out of dodge.

5. Understand hypergamy

At a biological (subconscious) level women are always trying to upgrade. Men have a hard time understanding this because for most men, at a subconscious level, all that matters is that a woman have a certain level of fitness. Any woman who meets that threshold is fair game. Doesn’t matter if she’s an upgrade or downgrade.

With women it is different. Women are constantly keeping their eyes out for an upgrade (usually in the form of acquiring more power). But they are also constantly keeping their eyes on other women that might be a threat to their current situation (flirting with other women on occasion, within view of your partner, is a great way to fight hypergamy).

So why does this matter? Well, because awareness is the key here. Don’t for a second think that the girl you are with transcends her biological nature. Be prepared. Women are not nearly as innocent as the media portrays.

But it matters even more because you can do things to control hypergamy. 1) don’t be a pushover 2) don’t give her emotional control over you (once she’s dominated you, she’ll definitely start looking for the next guy) 3) keep relationships with other women and flirt from time to time

Most importantly, prepare yourself for reality. Don’t get caught of guard. Know what you want. Keep an eye out. Confront. And be prepared to walk away.

6. Be ready to let go

There are a billion fish in the sea. There is no one woman who was made just for you. Don’t buy the Disney nonsense. Sure, there are some women who will fit your personality better than others and certainly some that will be more attractive than others. But the sea is so large… don’t despair.

The minute your girlfriend or partner starts jerking you around or treating you like she’s your mother or using shaming language of any kind or just acts like an entitled princess, it’s a sign that it’s time to walk away. But there might be other signs too. Is the girlfriend spending too much time with other guys? Let her. But not on your dime. Don’t think. Just end it. And once you end it, stick to your guns. Be patient. You won’t have to wait too long for the next potential “friend” to come along.

7. Enjoy the company of other women

Remember, you’re the man. You’re in charge of your life. And really, at a biological level (forget the socio-cultural sublayer), that’s how she wants it. Keep female friends. Keep your girlfriend on her toes. Give her subtle cues that, sure you’ve chosen to be with her, but you could also walk away at any moment and replace her.

Oh, and don’t hesitate to flirt with other women from time to time. It’s the antidote to hypergamy.

8. Get good at something

Gaining skill is about the best confidence builder there is. Men need to build, to create, to invent, to solve problems. I don’t care if it’s learning how to play the guitar (the obvious chick magnet) or learning how to hunt deer (less so). Find something you enjoy and throw yourself into mastering it. And don’t get in the habit of giving up. Learning is a long process and often it takes a lifetime. Just stick with it and keep working through those plateaus.

By having a skill or a set of skills, you will gain independence and self-reliance. You will feel confidence in your abilities. And you will always have something to fall back on and gain comfort from if the people in your life fail you.

9. Ditch the nice guy stuff

A friend once said to me: “Things changed when I became a nice guy. Women started to hate me.”

Your goal is not to be nice. Your goal is to be a confident you. There’s no need to be an arrogant prick or a bad boy. You can beat the thugs and pricks and bad boys at their own game. All they have going is that women perceive them to be strong, confident men. And that’s what women want. You can outdo them by being strong and confident and smart.

Oh, one other thing. It’s out of fashion, but you shouldn’t be afraid to maintain the high ground as an honorable gentleman. A guy who treats his woman well, but who also isn’t afraid to walk away with dignity when she starts playing games.

10. Your body matters

Screw the nonsense that it’s what’s inside that counts. Sure, in an ideal world, that would be true. But this is not an ideal world. That’s one thing I am certain of.

Treat your body like a hobby. Turn it into the most fit machine you possibly can, but have fun with it. Go for hikes. Enjoy nature. Learn to gain peace from solitude. Eat the fuel your body needs. Don’t put junk in the gas tank. Eat lots of meat, vegetables and nuts and drink lots of water.

And do it for yourself. Not the women.

Bonus: Most women don’t want to be reasoned with about everything. Not that you won’t find a rare gem of a woman (like your mom:-) who loves reason and is governed by it. But don’t count on it. Most women prefer to consent via the emotions (“does it feel right?”). If you want something, lead her there. Make it feel right. Want a gun in the house? Focus on the emotions related to security. Women want to feel safe and secure, so make sure she knows you’re getting the gun to protect the family.

— Slavoj Žižek

(I was listening to this on YouTube this morning and Eliot burst out into a jig… oh, how the irony made me smile!)

How lovely to sit here in the shade
With none of the woes of man and maid -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
The rivals that don’t exist at all,
The feeling you’re only two feet tall -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!

(Bridge:)
No more confusion, no “morning after” surprise,
No self delusion
That when you’re telling those lies, she isn’t wise.

And even if love comes through the door,
The kind that goes on forevermore,
Forevermore is shorter than before -
Oh, I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore.

The tiny remark that tortures you,
The fear that your friends won’t like her, too -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
The longing to end a stale affair,
Until you find out she doesn’t care -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!

(Bridge 2:)
No more frustration, no star-crossed lover am I;
No aggravation,
Just one reluctant reply, “Lady, goodbye!”

The fountain of youth is dull as paint;
Methuselah is my patron saint.
I’ve never been so comfortable before,
Oh, I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore.

Gran Torino is one of my favorite movies from the last decade. And Unforgiven is perhaps the greatest Western of all time. And Clint Eastwood is one of my favorite people alive (yeah, I know it’s strange to consider a celebrity whom you’ve never met a favorite person). The guy has his head screwed on straight, his one shortcoming seeming to be marriage…

I thought I’d have fun by collecting together some of his best quotes and providing commentary…

We boil at different degrees.

Commentary: In most situations, it pays to stay calm and act rather than to get angry and lose control.

A good man always knows his limitations.

Commentary: Humility is the highest virtue. Echoes Socrates: The only real wisdom is knowing you know nothing

It takes tremendous discipline to control the influence, the power you have over other people’s lives.

Commentary: There are only a handful of certain conclusions I’ve made about life and one of them is this: power corrupts.

I don’t believe in pessimism. If something doesn’t come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it’s going to rain, it will.

Commentary: There’s a big difference between pessimism and realism. Pessimism paralyzes. Realism strengthens.

I’m interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.

Commentary: Comes back to humility (not cowardice) as the fundamental virtue.

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands.

Commentary: It’s not enough to want. You’ve got to act.

If I had to define courage myself, I wouldn’t say it’s about shooting people. I’d say it’s the quality that stimulates people, that enables them to move ahead and look beyond themselves.

Commentary: Courage is the anti-thesis of selfishness. Woe to those of us in the West.

I think that, for all of us, as we grow older, we must discipline ourselves to continue expanding, broadening, learning, keeping our minds active and open.

Commentary: There is an ugly myth that the capacity to learn and take on challenges decreases with age and goes away altogether around age 25. That’s deathful thinking.

In school, I could hear the leaves rustle and go on a journey.

Commentary: There is nothing quite like the wonder and vastness of learning.

For the most part, I’m an empiricist in the spirit of Locke and Hume, in the sense that I believe that the most salient aspects of our conceptual landscape are shaped by our environment. Yes, I believe that there are innate constraints imposed by biology. Our brains have tendencies and limits.

But within the constraints of biology, there is quite the tabula rasa. A landscape of diverse possibility. Just because the blank slate has physical restrictions and limitations does not stop it from being a blank slate, ready to be impressed upon.

What I’m discovering through various friendships (there is no news here) is that people who have gone through radically different life experiences in radically different environments have radically different ways of thinking. Put more succinctly… people who speak the same language syntactically might communicate in different languages semantically. Frameworks for understanding and communicating can be so different that communication becomes impotent. Words are interpreted, but the meaning is distorted or completely lost.

No news. People speak past each other all the time. We are all hidden behind the veil of communication. No two people have the same conceptual landscape nor think with the same progression .. the same shapes.

What’s interesting to me… the question that really interests me here… is whether we can have control over the shape of our conceptual landscape, the structure in which our thoughts take place. Whether bridges can be built … between radically divergent frameworks. And I think the answer to this is clearly yes, with mutual commitment and hard work. But that leads me to an even more important question… are some conceptual frameworks more desirable, or say, better/noble/worthwhile than others? And the contrast… are some ways of thinking destructive, deadening dead ends that we should avoid.

I taught over 20 philosophy courses at various universities. One of the fundamental principles of my teaching was that there are better ways of thinking and relating to the world than others. I tried to hold students accountable to their humanity, their rationality, their emotions, their Universe. A hard task in a post-modern world of extreme egalitarian relativism.

What I’ve discovered lately is that in trying to bridge conceptual frameworks, it is not all that difficult to poison the well… to go in a negative direction.

What you find when you look around America is a homogeneous culture flooded with stereotypes and simple rules of thought and primitive shapes that keep people imprisoned … lonely, shameful, empty, lacking direction.

The tough question is this: do you choose to better your own soul and sacrifice the ability to communicate/relate to the average person or do you choose to expose your soul to the toxins of the mainstream. In reality it’s probably not an either or, just a matter of finding proper balance. Nonetheless…

Isolation sucks. But so does the mind-numbing naivety of the mainstream. No easy choice. No easy answer. No easy balance.

a certain jollity of mind pickled in the scorn of fortune – François Rabelai

It is that odd cast of mind which allows one to see the corruption everywhere, including in oneself, while still loving the world. – Caleb Stegall

We believe that to suffer one’s place and one’s people in the particularity of its and their needs is the only true basis for finding love, friendship, and an authentic, meaningful life: to live in love with the frailty and limits of one’s existence, suffering the places, customs, rites, joys, and sorrows of the people who are in close relation to you by family, friendship, and community–all in service of the truth, goodness, and beauty that is best experienced directly. The discipline of place teaches that it is more than enough to care skillfully and lovingly for one’s own little circle, and this is the model for the good life, not the limitless jurisdiction of the ego, granted by a doctrine of choice, that is ever seeking its own fulfillment, pleasure, and satiation.

- The New Pantagruel

But communication is two-sided – vital and profound communication makes demands also on those who are to receive it… demands in the sense of concentration, of genuine effort to receive what is being communicated.

~Roger Sessions

And it’s absolutely true that male sexual behaviour and female responses to male demands change a lot when they start communicating – and the levels of the communication that I’ve seen on the ground in very, very poor areas are so high and I think why don’t we have that here?

~ Emma Thompson

I have had a few palpable encounters with grace in my life. Transitions from deep darkness to peaks of joy. I’ve seen others experience grace too. I’ve seen grace change lives. I’ve also seen grace denied.

In my experience (personal and observed) one of the most common tragedies in all the universe is for grace to succumb to guilt. Guilt has its place. It can help us improve ourselves. But it can also suffocate. Deaden. Destroy. Corrupt.

It is grace that let’s us see our lives as works in progress.

But guilt deludes us into the false impression that we are a finished product. That we are the sum of our failures. That our value lies in minimizing our mistakes. Guilt can very much be like the person who pulls out a measuring stick to determine the quality of a Van Gogh based on the proportions of it’s background props.

Guilt closes our heart to joy. Guilt numbs. Sterilizes. But grace renews. Breathes life into cold hearts.

Grace gives us the freedom to know ourselves without pretensions of perfection and to chase after all that is good and beautiful with full abandon. And ultimately grace enables us to experience peaks of joy. The greatest things this universe has to offer.