The Paradox of Parenting
July 31, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
Parenting requires massive sacrifice. Sacrifice of freedoms. Sacrifice of immediate pleasures. Sacrifice of peace. Sacrifice of rest and relaxation. But people still choose to do it? And when their lives are over, they tend to be glad they did. Why?
An in depth article called Why parents hate parenting explores this issue and delivers many insights. For example, it suggests that perhaps the deepest, most lasting happiness for human beings comes not from short term fun and thrill seeking, but from looking back on what’s been accomplished with one’s life.
Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer who is, famously, not a natural optimist, has always taken the view that happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it.
If you make it through parenting alive, having produced competent children can be a very satisfying achievement. It is the realization of something fundamentally human.
About twenty years ago, Tom Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell, made a striking contribution to the field of psychology, showing that people are far more apt to regret things they haven’t done than things they have….
I’m inclined to think this needs qualifications. Things done that cause permanent, physical damage would probably be regretted. As would things that caused harm to people you loved. But apparently people rarely regret having had kids, but more frequently regret not having kids…
[a] famous collection of high-IQ students from California … were singled out in 1921 for a life of greatness. Not one told him of regretting having children, but ten told him they regretted not having a family.
And the article ends with a really interesting philosophical question about moment to moment happiness versus retrospective happiness…
“I think this boils down to a philosophical question, rather than a psychological one,” says Gilovich. “Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?” He says he has no answer for this, but the example he offers suggests a bias. He recalls watching TV with his children at three in the morning when they were sick. “I wouldn’t have said it was too fun at the time,” he says. “But now I look back on it and say, ‘Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?’?” The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.
It’s a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times. Perhaps it’s just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going. But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment.
Alludes to a biological mechanism that helps us do what’s right even when it isn’t easy or immediately pleasurable.
10 Things I’ll Teach My Sons About Women
July 28, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | 2 Comments
Sometimes the truth is not comfortable.
So if you’re not comfortable with a reality that betrays our ideals, don’t read on.
The most important thing I’ve learned about women is that you’ve got to be indifferent to their attempts at harnessing you in an emotional net and controlling you. Sounds harsh, but you’re the man. You need to be in charge of yourself. You should not be controlled. You need to lead. You need to make decisions. Forget all the nonsense about equality. Women don’t want that, even if they say that they do (duplicity of intentions is not uncommon in relationships).
What’s important is to understand how women operate at a biological and emotional level. Ultimately, women are not looking for nice guys. They are looking for strong, confident, powerful men. Men who make them feel secure… comfortable. This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective as women needed men they could rely on to protect both them and their children.
The Tolerance Paradox
July 28, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
The liberal idea of tolerance is more and more a kind of intolerance. What it means is ‘Leave me alone; don’t harass me; I’m intolerant towards your over-proximity.’
— Slavoj Žižek
I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore
July 27, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
(I was listening to this on YouTube this morning and Eliot burst out into a jig… oh, how the irony made me smile!)
How lovely to sit here in the shade
With none of the woes of man and maid -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
The rivals that don’t exist at all,
The feeling you’re only two feet tall -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
(Bridge:)
No more confusion, no “morning after” surprise,
No self delusion
That when you’re telling those lies, she isn’t wise.
And even if love comes through the door,
The kind that goes on forevermore,
Forevermore is shorter than before -
Oh, I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore.
The tiny remark that tortures you,
The fear that your friends won’t like her, too -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
The longing to end a stale affair,
Until you find out she doesn’t care -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
(Bridge 2:)
No more frustration, no star-crossed lover am I;
No aggravation,
Just one reluctant reply, “Lady, goodbye!”
The fountain of youth is dull as paint;
Methuselah is my patron saint.
I’ve never been so comfortable before,
Oh, I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore.
The Wisdom of Clint Eastwood (Quotes)
July 26, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
“The Wisdom of Clint Eastwood”
Gran Torino is one of my favorite movies from the last decade. And Unforgiven is perhaps the greatest Western of all time. And Clint Eastwood is one of my favorite people alive (yeah, I know it’s strange to consider a celebrity whom you’ve never met a favorite person). The guy has his head screwed on straight, his one shortcoming seeming to be marriage…
I thought I’d have fun by collecting together some of his best quotes and providing commentary…
We boil at different degrees.
Commentary: In most situations, it pays to stay calm and act rather than to get angry and lose control.
A good man always knows his limitations.
Commentary: Humility is the highest virtue. Echoes Socrates: The only real wisdom is knowing you know nothing
It takes tremendous discipline to control the influence, the power you have over other people’s lives.
Commentary: There are only a handful of certain conclusions I’ve made about life and one of them is this: power corrupts.
I don’t believe in pessimism. If something doesn’t come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it’s going to rain, it will.
Commentary: There’s a big difference between pessimism and realism. Pessimism paralyzes. Realism strengthens.
I’m interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.
Commentary: Comes back to humility (not cowardice) as the fundamental virtue.
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands.
Commentary: It’s not enough to want. You’ve got to act.
If I had to define courage myself, I wouldn’t say it’s about shooting people. I’d say it’s the quality that stimulates people, that enables them to move ahead and look beyond themselves.
Commentary: Courage is the anti-thesis of selfishness. Woe to those of us in the West.
I think that, for all of us, as we grow older, we must discipline ourselves to continue expanding, broadening, learning, keeping our minds active and open.
Commentary: There is an ugly myth that the capacity to learn and take on challenges decreases with age and goes away altogether around age 25. That’s deathful thinking.
In school, I could hear the leaves rustle and go on a journey.
Commentary: There is nothing quite like the wonder and vastness of learning.
Conceptual Landscapes and Shapes
July 25, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
I’ve recently gone through a long set of experiences that have raised an important question in my mind.
For the most part, I’m an empiricist in the spirit of Locke and Hume, in the sense that I believe that the most salient aspects of our conceptual landscape are shaped by our environment. Yes, I believe that there are innate constraints imposed by biology. Our brains have tendencies and limits.
But within the constraints of biology, there is quite the tabula rasa. A landscape of diverse possibility. Just because the blank slate has physical restrictions and limitations does not stop it from being a blank slate, ready to be impressed upon.
What I’m discovering through various friendships (there is no news here) is that people who have gone through radically different life experiences in radically different environments have radically different ways of thinking. Put more succinctly… people who speak the same language syntactically might communicate in different languages semantically. Frameworks for understanding and communicating can be so different that communication becomes impotent. Words are interpreted, but the meaning is distorted or completely lost.
No news. People speak past each other all the time. We are all hidden behind the veil of communication. No two people have the same conceptual landscape nor think with the same progression .. the same shapes.
What’s interesting to me… the question that really interests me here… is whether we can have control over the shape of our conceptual landscape, the structure in which our thoughts take place. Whether bridges can be built … between radically divergent frameworks. And I think the answer to this is clearly yes, with mutual commitment and hard work. But that leads me to an even more important question… are some conceptual frameworks more desirable, or say, better/noble/worthwhile than others? And the contrast… are some ways of thinking destructive, deadening dead ends that we should avoid.
I taught over 20 philosophy courses at various universities. One of the fundamental principles of my teaching was that there are better ways of thinking and relating to the world than others. I tried to hold students accountable to their humanity, their rationality, their emotions, their Universe. A hard task in a post-modern world of extreme egalitarian relativism.
What I’ve discovered lately is that in trying to bridge conceptual frameworks, it is not all that difficult to poison the well… to go in a negative direction.
What you find when you look around America is a homogeneous culture flooded with stereotypes and simple rules of thought and primitive shapes that keep people imprisoned … lonely, shameful, empty, lacking direction.
The tough question is this: do you choose to better your own soul and sacrifice the ability to communicate/relate to the average person or do you choose to expose your soul to the toxins of the mainstream. In reality it’s probably not an either or, just a matter of finding proper balance. Nonetheless…
Isolation sucks. But so does the mind-numbing naivety of the mainstream. No easy choice. No easy answer. No easy balance.
Pantagruelism
July 19, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
I just discovered that I’m a Pantagruelist.
a certain jollity of mind pickled in the scorn of fortune – François Rabelai
It is that odd cast of mind which allows one to see the corruption everywhere, including in oneself, while still loving the world. – Caleb Stegall
We believe that to suffer one’s place and one’s people in the particularity of its and their needs is the only true basis for finding love, friendship, and an authentic, meaningful life: to live in love with the frailty and limits of one’s existence, suffering the places, customs, rites, joys, and sorrows of the people who are in close relation to you by family, friendship, and community–all in service of the truth, goodness, and beauty that is best experienced directly. The discipline of place teaches that it is more than enough to care skillfully and lovingly for one’s own little circle, and this is the model for the good life, not the limitless jurisdiction of the ego, granted by a doctrine of choice, that is ever seeking its own fulfillment, pleasure, and satiation.
- The New Pantagruel
The best advice I’ve ever gotten
July 6, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Communication
July 6, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
Two thoroughly true quotes on communication:
But communication is two-sided – vital and profound communication makes demands also on those who are to receive it… demands in the sense of concentration, of genuine effort to receive what is being communicated.
~Roger Sessions
And it’s absolutely true that male sexual behaviour and female responses to male demands change a lot when they start communicating – and the levels of the communication that I’ve seen on the ground in very, very poor areas are so high and I think why don’t we have that here?
~ Emma Thompson
When grace succumbs to guilt
June 7, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
Grace is the emergence of goodness when it is least expected.
I have had a few palpable encounters with grace in my life. Transitions from deep darkness to peaks of joy. I’ve seen others experience grace too. I’ve seen grace change lives. I’ve also seen grace denied.
In my experience (personal and observed) one of the most common tragedies in all the universe is for grace to succumb to guilt. Guilt has its place. It can help us improve ourselves. But it can also suffocate. Deaden. Destroy. Corrupt.
It is grace that let’s us see our lives as works in progress.
But guilt deludes us into the false impression that we are a finished product. That we are the sum of our failures. That our value lies in minimizing our mistakes. Guilt can very much be like the person who pulls out a measuring stick to determine the quality of a Van Gogh based on the proportions of it’s background props.
Guilt closes our heart to joy. Guilt numbs. Sterilizes. But grace renews. Breathes life into cold hearts.
Grace gives us the freedom to know ourselves without pretensions of perfection and to chase after all that is good and beautiful with full abandon. And ultimately grace enables us to experience peaks of joy. The greatest things this universe has to offer.