Some kids get it

March 17, 2012 | Filed Under Laughter, Relationships | Leave a Comment 

and some don’t.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8

This is a well-earned love between two people with a deep, rich history. Not the love you should be demonstrating at the beginning of a romance. But definitely valuable in its own right. Just don’t confuse the two.

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

There’s insight here. Just be aware of the anomalies: Your dad might say your name differently… in a very stern tone. Your girlfriend might say your name differently and just be having a bad day. Love is dynamic and cyclic. But it’s 100% true that you know when someone care about you.

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

Smell is a powerful display of social value. And of all the senses, olfactory is the most closely tied to memory.

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

Nah, life doesn’t work that way. Social transactions need to be fair or else the relationship collapses.

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

You know, sometimes I’m burnt out and the thought of seeing my boys, and just getting a quick hug brings a huge anticipatory smile to my face.

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

Danny, Danny, Danny… your mommy is taking a sip before giving it to him because she needs a quick caffeine fix. But, it is a very nice thing she is doing anyway.

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

Mostly true! The only thing to be careful of is suffocation. Sometimes it’s healthier to give each other space. The thing is, kissing frequently is an indicator of frequent sex and frequent sex is a key to long term love between partners. And yes Emily, I too hate seeing other people doing PDA.

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen,” Bobby – age 7

Sentimental and often untrue.

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6
Ummmmm… Depends on the kind of love you’re trying to practice. Christian love, yes. But there’s no reason to beat yourself up about the fact that you don’t like or love everyone. There are reasons for that and it’s better to embrace who you are.

“There are two kinds of love. Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.” Jenny – age 8

Too metaphysical for me.

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

I pity the boy who ends up with this girl.

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

The love between two old people should not be the ideal of love between two young people. This is such a common, fatal mistake. Two old people who’ve made it through life together deserve the rewards of a long history together. The young people need to earn their keep before aspiring towards such ideals. The key to lasting this long is to put in the work, choose to remain attractive to each other, and maybe one day, against all odds… you’ll be old and retired and sitting on a porch in the morning, watching the sunrise while you sip your morning coffee with the person you’ve shared most of your adventures with.

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore,” Cindy – age 8

Hell yeah Cindy! Great dad and great daughter.

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

Clare, this is sloppy thinking.

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine -age 5

If it’s a genuine display of affection and admiration. If it’s an attempt to “chalk one up” then it can be manipulative.

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

Only if it’s true. Otherwise it’s pandering. The good news is that Chris’ dad is indeed probably more attractive than Robert Redford who is very non-handsome these days..

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

There is something special about the unconditional love of a dog. Can brighten a day, and make a hardened man smile.

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

Hahahahaha. Hilarious.

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7

This is a profound insight by a 7 year old. And it’s 100% true. Physiological truth. Well, not the stars part… but that’s metaphor for “twinkle eyes”

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6

She tolerates it. I bet it’s not attractive to her though. Part of living together… comfort almost always comes before attraction.

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget,” Jessica – age 8

I think the first part is true. The 2nd part less so. The more you say it, the less impact it has. You’ve got to pace the “I love you’s” just like everything else in relationships.

A Call to Arms

March 7, 2012 | Filed Under Relationships | Leave a Comment 

Usually I’m very critical of Men’s Health. Especially its female authors who often feed misleading advice to men. But here’s an excellent call to arms:

Men are PC’ed to death. The consequences of almost 50 years of ardent feminism have been devastating: a society in bewilderment about gender roles, the rise of a class of ball-busting bitches whose battle cry is, “We don’t need men,” trumped-up charges of “date rape” and “sexual harassment,” angry women blaming men for all their problems — in short, an overall erosion of male confidence.

As society becomes more and more feminized, as more and more young men are being raised by single mothers who don’t have a clue about the male sex drive, but who teach their sons to surrender their natural masculinity and pander to women, today’s man is forced to apologize for — and feel shame about — his inherent male sexuality.

And the truth is, despite what women say and how much they protest, they want a man who acts like a man. Scratch the surface and you’ll find that deep down they don’t really want a man to act like a woman any more than a guy wants a chick to be masculine.

So instead of letting women snip pruning shears at their crotches, it’s time for men to stop apologizing for being male, to celebrate their inherently sexual natures, and to reclaim their sexual confidence.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Why holding eye contact with a girl is important

February 23, 2012 | Filed Under Relationships | Leave a Comment 

When all is said and done, it comes down to confidence. Girls like confident guys. Guys who look away are displaying weakness.

Remember, your value as a potential mate is not self-evident.

All a girl has to go on are your behaviors: body language, tone of voice, physical prowess, social accomplishments, interpreted meaning of words.

Your task in the mating game is to use these tools to display your value as a potential mate. Holding eye contact with a girl, along with a slight, knowing smile shows her that 1) you notice her 2) you are confident 3) you can give her a good time (the smile) 4) you are powerful 5) you aren’t easily phased

It’s an ancient, loaded signal. It weeds out the weak from the powerful. And at a visceral, primitive level, women want to be with powerful men who will keep them safe and happy. That’s what attraction is afterall: a pleasurable signal that we’re in the presence of a high value mate.

14 Signs He’s Lame

February 22, 2012 | Filed Under Relationships | 1 Comment 

I saw the following infographic being passed around on the web. It’s terrible. Unfortunately, these are the kinds of false messages that get spread throughout our society, as if women really want guys like this (they don’t).

You could re-title this infographic: 14 Signs You’re Doing It All Wrong.

Go through the checkboxes and if you check any of them but #2 and #7… you’re on the wrong track my brother.

Proximity & Pacing

February 16, 2012 | Filed Under Relationships | Leave a Comment 

Besides a general, well-earned confidence from which you will naturally take the correct phase frame, the two most important factors in attraction are proximity and pacing.

Proximity is common physical location. Pacing is your ability to surf the natural ebb and flow of a relationship.

As in all human relationships, people need time together and time apart. Too much time together, and you get on each other’s nerves. Too much time apart, and attraction fades (with the exception of short term separation in which the heart may indeed grow fonder… and result in some of the best sex you’ve ever had).

Proximity matters: There’s no way you can maintain attraction with a girl 1000 miles away. She’s human just like you. She desires touch. A warm body at night. etc. And of course, lighting the attraction flame in the first place is sooooooooo much easier when you’ve got physical proximity (though in today’s world people do engage in mental seduction with texting, Facebook, etc.) Proximity gives you the only reason you need to approach a girl tactfully: you’re shared physical space.

Pacing matters: Girls like guys who make them feel good. But you can’t take on the burden of keeping her constantly entertained. Just like a great work of music, the pauses, the spaces between the events, are just as important as the events themselves.

Proximity matters because without being in the same physical location, it’s difficult to effectively communicate your value. And communicating your value is not a one time thing. It’s something you must sustain or else you will not remain attractive. It follows then that to remain attractive, you need to sustain proximity.

Pacing matters because the human brain desensitizes to recurring stimuli. Even your best stuff will grow dull in her brain. It won’t excite her anymore. To fight this, there’s almost a sense in which you have to cycle in and out of the relationship. Push… pull. Push… pull. Give a little, take a little back. Show her some attention, then show her you’ve got other things competing for her time.

And it goes without saying, if you’re going to be successful with a woman, you’ve got to manage the natural, perfectly normal and healthy mood cycles that women going through in any given month. Don’t hold this against her. You have to be dynamic and adaptive. You can’t treat her exactly the same at every moment on every day throughout the month. Guys tend to lock into one way of doing things. And something that works one day may not work two weeks later. Learn her unique nature and adapt to it. This is part of the fun of a long term relationship that many people miss out on… once you learn a woman well enough, not only do you feel like you’ve learned a skill… you receive immense value from knowing someone so intimately. The key is to not sit on your ass… to keep learning, to keep adapting… to see reality, and relationships as a wonderfully dynamic, never static, event.

So here’s the deal. For better or worse, pacing is something you’ve got to learn by practicing. Proximity is something you can create. It’s easy. But you have to take that first step and motivate yourself to leave your computer and go down to the local coffee shop.

Expect it

February 16, 2012 | Filed Under Music, Relationships | Leave a Comment 

There may never again be a song that more accurately captures the mental games that get played as a relationship dies. Study this song. And if you enter a relationship, fully expect this dynamic to be present at the end. It doesn’t always go this way, but I’d say it’s the norm.

Especially expect historical revisionism. It’s the primary coping mechanism for the opposite sex.

Just make sure you take this frame: “But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over”

Enjoy the peace.

Somebody That I Used To Know
Goteye (feat. Kimbra)

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

(I used to know)
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)

Women do not like YES men (so don’t compromise yourself)

February 10, 2012 | Filed Under Relationships | Leave a Comment 

A lot of guys bend over backwards to please a woman. But here’s a rule you can bank on: over the long haul, she’ll be more attracted to you for directly stating and going after what YOU want. Women do not like YES men.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should be an asshole or combative. It just means that when she suggests that the two of you go out for Chinese, and you know that Chinese gives you heartburn, you say “I’m not a big fan of Chinese. How about Thai?”

Don’t fear disappointing her. If you state your preferences strongly, she’s a lot more likely to admire you for having a strong preference than to feel disappointed that she doesn’t get Chinese. In fact, here’s what *probably* will go on in her subconscious mind: “Oh shit. I think I just lost a point. I hope he doesn’t hate me now.” And from there, she may even try to notch a few points in her favor to get back on your good side. And that’s the frame that you want women to be in when they are in a relationship with you: “how do i make him like me better?” If she’s trying to impress you… then you’re golden.

The Friend Zone = I’m not attracted to you

February 10, 2012 | Filed Under Relationships | Leave a Comment 

It’s good to have female friends. But don’t be friends with the ones you’re attracted to. You gotta make them earn you. And *that* will fuel the fire of their attraction.

If a girl has to earn your affections, her attraction to you is going to skyrocket above baseline. So play hard to get. Make her chase you. And don’t enter the friend zone.

When you interact with her, let her do most of the initiating. Let her ask the questions. If you do the initiating, do so by stating things about her rather than asking questions or seeking her permission or approval: “That’s some bold fingernail polish.” “Your hair’s a little on the wild side today…I like it… I’m going to guess that you’re a cat owner.”

I’m a big believer in the following principles when just starting out:

1. You have to let the girl you are attracted to know that she is on your radar without seeming obsessive, needy, or all-consumed
2. You have to send subtle mixed signals: I’m into you (some attention)… Even though you are X (make her question herself)… I could probably do better (make her compete with other girls for your affections)… I like listening to you (give her some attention).. but you just bored me, so I’m going to walk away and talk to someone else for a while

Doing stuff for a pretty girl

February 8, 2012 | Filed Under Relationships | Leave a Comment 

Hot girls know it and abuse it. They get preferential treatment … just about until the age of 37.

You may think that you’re winning her affections, but to her you’re just a footstool… a crutch to get through life as easily as possible.


If you find yourself doing favors for pretty girls: just stop. You’ve got the wrong phase frame.

She needs to be doing you favors.

The Great Emotional Pivot

February 8, 2012 | Filed Under Laughter, Relationships | Leave a Comment 

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