So fragile, these beliefs of ours…

December 3, 2009 | Filed Under Small Talk 

“I know that most men, including those at ease with problems of the greatest complexity, can seldom accept even the simplest and most obvious truth if it be such as would oblige them to admit the falsity of conclusions which they have delighted in explaining to colleagues, which they have proudly taught to others, and which they have woven, thread by thread, into the fabric of their lives.”

–Leo Tolstoy

Most people who know me don’t know that for all intents and purposes I was an atheist from the ages of 24 to 27. I really didn’t tell anyone because I wasn’t completely sure what I believed and it changed (and continues to change) from day to day. During that phase, I’m sure there were days when I did indeed believe in God. But those days were rare. My general attitude was simple:

sure, I’d like the Christian story to be true because really I think it is the most hopeful and compelling cosmology ever told… but i’m enlightened now. it’s too simplistic. too medieval. too dependent on the community of men. as a category of people… well they just royally f*ck up too much. including me. so screw it. i’m done.

It’s really tough being an intellectual person in this current mental environment that we live in. And it’s damn easy to get angry at God for everything and anything in this crazy, absurd world. A world full of selfishness, power struggle, dishonesty, infidelity, death, injustice, etc. A world in which nothing noble and pure remains. And in the process of blaming God for this mess, it’s easy to slip into the conclusion that really, that God – the one I’m angry at – doesn’t exist.

You know what. Facing reality one day, it occurred to me how fragile our mental states are. There struck deep in my soul the idea that the entire cultural and social edifice upon which my belief system is built is royally f*cked up. There are so many delusional fantasies that our society buys into which are far, far more absurd, ridiculous and dangerous than the narrative of a personal God who made the world and loves its creatures.

Coming to terms with the fragility of our common beliefs and the structures upon which they are built caused me to question the deep cynicism and skepticism with which I had been looking upon the world. It reminded me that the greatest things I have known in this life have been the things of God, His Son and The Holy Spirit. It reminded me that I’m a creature – that I was brought into this world. It reminded me of how wonderfully natural it is to be thankful. The Breath of Life came upon me – continues to come upon me. So long as I am willing; I am being made into something beautiful.

Forget the narrative of a self-worshiping culture. It’s blinding death.

My broken chips are all in with signposts of glory and greatness and a perfect joy.

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