The Paradox of Parenting

July 31, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk 

Parenting requires massive sacrifice. Sacrifice of freedoms. Sacrifice of immediate pleasures. Sacrifice of peace. Sacrifice of rest and relaxation. But people still choose to do it? And when their lives are over, they tend to be glad they did. Why?

An in depth article called Why parents hate parenting explores this issue and delivers many insights. For example, it suggests that perhaps the deepest, most lasting happiness for human beings comes not from short term fun and thrill seeking, but from looking back on what’s been accomplished with one’s life.

Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer who is, famously, not a natural optimist, has always taken the view that happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it.

If you make it through parenting alive, having produced competent children can be a very satisfying achievement. It is the realization of something fundamentally human.

About twenty years ago, Tom Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell, made a striking contribution to the field of psychology, showing that people are far more apt to regret things they haven’t done than things they have….

I’m inclined to think this needs qualifications. Things done that cause permanent, physical damage would probably be regretted. As would things that caused harm to people you loved. But apparently people rarely regret having had kids, but more frequently regret not having kids…

[a] famous collection of high-IQ students from California … were singled out in 1921 for a life of greatness. Not one told him of regretting having children, but ten told him they regretted not having a family.

And the article ends with a really interesting philosophical question about moment to moment happiness versus retrospective happiness…

“I think this boils down to a philosophical question, rather than a psychological one,” says Gilovich. “Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?” He says he has no answer for this, but the example he offers suggests a bias. He recalls watching TV with his children at three in the morning when they were sick. “I wouldn’t have said it was too fun at the time,” he says. “But now I look back on it and say, ‘Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?’?” The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.

It’s a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times. Perhaps it’s just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going. But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment.

Alludes to a biological mechanism that helps us do what’s right even when it isn’t easy or immediately pleasurable.

Related posts:

1. The road less paved … with inane security …
2. The Tolerance Paradox

Comments