The Paradox of Parenting
July 31, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
Parenting requires massive sacrifice. Sacrifice of freedoms. Sacrifice of immediate pleasures. Sacrifice of peace. Sacrifice of rest and relaxation. But people still choose to do it? And when their lives are over, they tend to be glad they did. Why?
An in depth article called Why parents hate parenting explores this issue and delivers many insights. For example, it suggests that perhaps the deepest, most lasting happiness for human beings comes not from short term fun and thrill seeking, but from looking back on what’s been accomplished with one’s life.
Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer who is, famously, not a natural optimist, has always taken the view that happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it.
If you make it through parenting alive, having produced competent children can be a very satisfying achievement. It is the realization of something fundamentally human.
About twenty years ago, Tom Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell, made a striking contribution to the field of psychology, showing that people are far more apt to regret things they haven’t done than things they have….
I’m inclined to think this needs qualifications. Things done that cause permanent, physical damage would probably be regretted. As would things that caused harm to people you loved. But apparently people rarely regret having had kids, but more frequently regret not having kids…
[a] famous collection of high-IQ students from California … were singled out in 1921 for a life of greatness. Not one told him of regretting having children, but ten told him they regretted not having a family.
And the article ends with a really interesting philosophical question about moment to moment happiness versus retrospective happiness…
“I think this boils down to a philosophical question, rather than a psychological one,” says Gilovich. “Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?” He says he has no answer for this, but the example he offers suggests a bias. He recalls watching TV with his children at three in the morning when they were sick. “I wouldn’t have said it was too fun at the time,” he says. “But now I look back on it and say, ‘Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?’?” The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.
It’s a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times. Perhaps it’s just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going. But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment.
Alludes to a biological mechanism that helps us do what’s right even when it isn’t easy or immediately pleasurable.
There’s dinosaur daddy. There’s dinosaur!
July 30, 2010 | Filed Under Micah | Leave a Comment
Last night while watching the Phillies, Eliot said “There’s dinosaur daddy. There’s dinosaur!”
“That’s the Philly Phanatic, baby. He’s dancing.”
“Dinosaur dancing daddy. Dinosaur dancing.”
“Look daddy. Dinosaur ride ATV too.”
Phillies Dominic Brown Is A Keeper
July 29, 2010 | Filed Under Micah | Leave a Comment
Saw his first MLB game tonight. Looks like a star. Runs like a sprinter.
And what about the Phillies? 7 straight? Starting to get excited. This is the team I expected at the beginning of the year.
10 Things I’ll Teach My Sons About Women
July 28, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | 2 Comments
Sometimes the truth is not comfortable.
So if you’re not comfortable with a reality that betrays our ideals, don’t read on.
The most important thing I’ve learned about women is that you’ve got to be indifferent to their attempts at harnessing you in an emotional net and controlling you. Sounds harsh, but you’re the man. You need to be in charge of yourself. You should not be controlled. You need to lead. You need to make decisions. Forget all the nonsense about equality. Women don’t want that, even if they say that they do (duplicity of intentions is not uncommon in relationships).
What’s important is to understand how women operate at a biological and emotional level. Ultimately, women are not looking for nice guys. They are looking for strong, confident, powerful men. Men who make them feel secure… comfortable. This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective as women needed men they could rely on to protect both them and their children.
Hip Hop Mix
July 28, 2010 | Filed Under Poetry | Leave a Comment
I love hip hop. This is what I’m listening to these days.
The Tolerance Paradox
July 28, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
The liberal idea of tolerance is more and more a kind of intolerance. What it means is ‘Leave me alone; don’t harass me; I’m intolerant towards your over-proximity.’
— Slavoj Žižek
You’re going to start seeing certain things you’ve been overlooking
July 27, 2010 | Filed Under Micah | Leave a Comment
Eminem on the the advice he’s gotten from Elton John….
I reached out to him and told him, ‘Look, I’m going through a problem and I need your advice.’ He used to tell me stuff like, ‘You’re going to start seeing certain things you’ve been overlooking.’ And it came true. I’d walk around like, ‘Damn, that tree does look crazy, look at all those leaves!’ Things I didn’t notice when I was f***ed up.”
Em, I relate.
All I Do Is Win
July 27, 2010 | Filed Under Micah | Leave a Comment
I love hip hop. Confident vitality.
I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore
July 27, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
(I was listening to this on YouTube this morning and Eliot burst out into a jig… oh, how the irony made me smile!)
How lovely to sit here in the shade
With none of the woes of man and maid -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
The rivals that don’t exist at all,
The feeling you’re only two feet tall -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
(Bridge:)
No more confusion, no “morning after” surprise,
No self delusion
That when you’re telling those lies, she isn’t wise.
And even if love comes through the door,
The kind that goes on forevermore,
Forevermore is shorter than before -
Oh, I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore.
The tiny remark that tortures you,
The fear that your friends won’t like her, too -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
The longing to end a stale affair,
Until you find out she doesn’t care -
I’m glad I’m not young anymore!
(Bridge 2:)
No more frustration, no star-crossed lover am I;
No aggravation,
Just one reluctant reply, “Lady, goodbye!”
The fountain of youth is dull as paint;
Methuselah is my patron saint.
I’ve never been so comfortable before,
Oh, I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore.
The Wisdom of Clint Eastwood (Quotes)
July 26, 2010 | Filed Under Small Talk | Leave a Comment
“The Wisdom of Clint Eastwood”
Gran Torino is one of my favorite movies from the last decade. And Unforgiven is perhaps the greatest Western of all time. And Clint Eastwood is one of my favorite people alive (yeah, I know it’s strange to consider a celebrity whom you’ve never met a favorite person). The guy has his head screwed on straight, his one shortcoming seeming to be marriage…
I thought I’d have fun by collecting together some of his best quotes and providing commentary…
We boil at different degrees.
Commentary: In most situations, it pays to stay calm and act rather than to get angry and lose control.
A good man always knows his limitations.
Commentary: Humility is the highest virtue. Echoes Socrates: The only real wisdom is knowing you know nothing
It takes tremendous discipline to control the influence, the power you have over other people’s lives.
Commentary: There are only a handful of certain conclusions I’ve made about life and one of them is this: power corrupts.
I don’t believe in pessimism. If something doesn’t come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it’s going to rain, it will.
Commentary: There’s a big difference between pessimism and realism. Pessimism paralyzes. Realism strengthens.
I’m interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.
Commentary: Comes back to humility (not cowardice) as the fundamental virtue.
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands.
Commentary: It’s not enough to want. You’ve got to act.
If I had to define courage myself, I wouldn’t say it’s about shooting people. I’d say it’s the quality that stimulates people, that enables them to move ahead and look beyond themselves.
Commentary: Courage is the anti-thesis of selfishness. Woe to those of us in the West.
I think that, for all of us, as we grow older, we must discipline ourselves to continue expanding, broadening, learning, keeping our minds active and open.
Commentary: There is an ugly myth that the capacity to learn and take on challenges decreases with age and goes away altogether around age 25. That’s deathful thinking.
In school, I could hear the leaves rustle and go on a journey.
Commentary: There is nothing quite like the wonder and vastness of learning.